i feel like butt

and i'm pretty sure that at least 90% of the fluids i've consumed in the last 2 days have made their way back out of my system through my nose.  yay.

this amused me quite a bit

a heated church debate. i'm particularly fond of the "free dog souls with conversion" part.

good job florida

this is really sad and ridiculous.  i realize we are in an economic crisis, but when the hell are people going to start realizing how many of our social and economic problems stem from our "don't give a shit" mentality to education?!?  

feeling a bit lonely today...

postdocs are in this rather odd place in both the academic system as well as the social structure of the university.  basically, there really is no social network or support system in place for us.  (I imagine that lecturers and research scientists may find themselves in similar neitherlands of the system as well.)  usually i don't think too much about this and just spend my time with the grad students.  its not always the perfect match when you are in need of empathy, but its better than nothing and usually pretty good over all.  So today, for some reason (i like to blame the dreary weather), i am feeling a bit lonely and really wanted someone to have lunch with.  as i already stated, i have no postdoc friends to call upon.  mindi is teaching all day, amy seems to be not coming in at all, and the first years are presently MIA as well.  if it were nice out, i could at least head out to the courtyard to enjoy my lunch in the sun, but alas it is wet and dreary.  so, in my office i sit, along with my (for all practical intents and purposes) mute office mate with a rather dreary bout of midday ennui.  at least i have my chicken and dumplings to keep me warm. yum.

happy 1st PhD anniversary to me!

so where do i stand a year into being a phd?

• recently finished with the last LyonGroup paper (YAY)
• about to start writing the first NewGroup paper 
• have gotten a good taste of grant writing under my belt, for better or for worse
• extremely ready to be done having to answer to somebody else on a daily to bi-daily basis at work (unfortunate, as i will be here for probably another year or so)
• still wondering what i really want to do with my life. i'm pretty sure i'd like to teach.  unfortunately i have NO idea if i will be any good at it.  am hoping to get some small amount of real teaching in before a job search.  not sure if i want to teach at a small four year school where i will have to do research or a two year school (ie community college) where there would be no teaching requirements and it may end up being a very rewarding teaching environment. there are pros and cons to both options as well as personal issues with both options that i need to work out.

4 year college, where i would have to do research and teach upper-level pchem courses: 

pros: small classes = opportunity for good teacher/student interactions

          research = hopefully a great teaching tool to keep students passionate about science (i like this b/c the lack of research, ie all exps done had a known outcome, had a really negative effect on me in my 2nd-3rd years of undergrad and it wasn't until i started my thesis work in my 4th year that i became reinvigorated towards chemistry)

cons: tenure = both teaching and research dependent

          research = grant writing, ugh

issues:  so, i'm not the most confident of my pchem skills.  i know, i have a phd in pchem, BUT hear me out:  we were required to take very few classes in grad school and my advisor was not into letting you take more classes than were required.  the year i took my 3 core pchem classes, i had only one prof from whom we received coherent lectures and i felt i came out of the class having learned at least a little something of stat mech.  flash forward to the pchem department now: the addition of bright young new profs means that the ONE prof that i had that made ANY sense at ALL is considered by the newbie pchem students as the WORST teacher they have had! basically, i feel like i still need to teach myself grad level quantum rather than just having to give myself a refresher before jumping up in front of people and acting like i KNOW the stuff.  so, i'm a little scared of teaching upper-level courses.  

two year college, where i would only have to teach lower level chem courses, no research

pros: small classes

          no research = no grant writing and can focus totally on teaching (when not dealing with committee meetings)

          teaching lower level courses = partially for previously admitted "issue" with upper level courses and partially b/c at the lower levels you still have a chance to impact students' perspectives on chemistry and science in general. maybe they aren't all (or maybe even any) planning a career in chem, but that doesn't mean you can't help them see how cool it can be and how it is all around us.  if a student is taking pchem, they have already been won over. i promise. no one takes pchem for the fun of it and it is not a prereq for anything. this is also why teaching high school seemed attractive to me.

cons: no research = i might miss research if i'm not doing it at all anymore, and as i mentioned above, i like the idea of using it as a tool to keep students interested.

issues: superiority complex = i admit to an elitist intellectual egotism that makes me want to teach at a "good" place, rather than a community college.  like they aren't real profs there or something.  this is sort of funny since i also think i'm not good enough to teach at the "good" places.  i hope to smother out this egotism, even if i don't end up at a community college b/c it's a pretty crappy thing to have.

at least they LOOKED at it this time

so my NIH fellowhip actually got A score this time.  not really a fundable score, but at least the committee actually looked at it and discussed it this time, rather than streamlining it like the last time.  i am 99.9% sure that my priority score will NOT fall within the payline, but i will continue to dream until i see the bad news in writing.

career, garden and misc. updates

so the last few weeks have been quite the emotional, career related, roller coaster ride for me.  I finally lost it, broke down and told NewAdvisor how miserable I was on Sunday.  Oddly, though I cried profusely, the whole thing went A LOT better than I thought it was going to with advise like:

• yeah, there is a time when the fun of learning the new stuff wears off and you get totally miserable in a postdoc (ie, NewAdvisor went through a similar period)
• don't worry about getting the HD foundation proposal done this minute, they gave you til like May.  so don't stress
• It will be better when you are done with all the writing and you can focus on the science
• its easier to compartmentalize and not feel guilty about taking the rest/relaxation time you need when you are the boss and aren't responsible to anyone for immediate results/papers/etc.
• sometimes you just need to say "I'm going to take this Wed. afternoon and plan x trip"

As I have finally finished and sent off a draft of the last paper from the grad lab to the man in charge, I'm almost finished making my NIH proposal into the HD foundation proposal and there are few other major writing projects on the agenda for the near future I will soon be able to "get back to the science" and hopefully also to the fun of it.  We are also planning a small camping trip south of Savannah next weekend (a great suggestion from one of my labmates) that will hopefully function as a nice and needed break from the lab/guilt.  I have been taking the proposal transformation slow and trying not to  fret about it too much, but I'd still like to get it over with asap.  Am also meeting with an thesis committee member next week for lunch to discuss how he does the academic life and how if can be  different from the main examples i've had here at Tech.  Tejas is still on the job market, and I'm sure that is contributing some to the stress (not that having him in Cali, Seattle, NYC, etc. for a yr w/o me is going to make me less stressed), but what can you do?

I may have gotten a little overly excited about the recent warmth we've been experiencing, and so planted a bunch of stuff that will need to be brought in every night for the next 5-6 days so that it doesn't freeze ( i planted some lettuce, radishes, arugula and broccoli!). Also, the squirrels seem to enjoy the soil too much and I'm not sure any of my broccoli seeds are left now.  I will need to put something over top of the containers to keep them out!  I also planted some tomato and cucumber seeds in a little germinator thingy. the cucumber has already started to sprout! I may have to post a picture of it soon.  I really wanted to plant some purple potatoes, but I think they will have to wait until we have a little bit more space :(  oh well.  its all just really an experiment anyway, not like we will be getting a massive harvest out of the ONE each of broccoli, tomato and cucumber plants i've started and the ONE each string bean bush and chili pepper plants I'll be planting in a few months.

In other odd news:

I received a facebook message from VELVET asking me how i'm doing.  how the heck am I supposed to respond to THAT?  right now i'm going with NOT responding.

career thoughts...

I've been thinking A LOT about career paths and family life lately. it won't come as a shock to anyone that I'm not cool with working 80hrs/week for the rest of my life, but i think that's only part of it. Most of what I hate so much about the academic life is the intense grant writing and how your future is totally dependent on how you can convince funding agencies that your work is cooler that most (in some cases 90%) of the other applicants.  I have definitely decided that I will never work at a research 1 institute and be like those i see around me everyday, but i'm also starting to have my doubts about even teaching at a 4 yr institute.  you're still expected to bring in external funds and do research, plus keep a 4-5 course/semester teaching load (new college had just a 2 course plus tutorials/ semester, but i think its pretty special in the that way).  Plus, I'm unsure about the grants that are available to 4-yr institute scholars.  i know they are different from big research grant pools, so do they cover summer research salary?  I don't know.  this is a big deal because another option I have been mulling around lately is teaching high school and then finding a lab to conduct research in over the summers.  This would let me do research without worrying about grants and junk, plus I think that there are programs in place for that sort of thing anyway.  a great way to keep high school teachers relevant and get students experience with real labs.  A recent dallying on ACS's salary comparator showed that the median salary for starting out with a phd teaching high school is actually higher than that of starting out at a 4yr college ?!?  what the heck!  its not a lot more, $4k a year or so, but more none the less.  this is why i wonder about the outside summer funding for 4yr college grants..... 

Anyway,  this new idea is now on the list with national labs (not that high anymore really), 4 yr colleges, academia outside of the US (where people still know how to have a life), and maybe even community college if i get desperate.  I do fear that I have stayed this long just because i don't want to be one of THOSE people (especially women) who give up on academia.  Now i think THOSE people may be the smart ones, but it is still hard to face.  A sad disillusionment for the girl who has been fascinated by the natural world and its study since the time she could read and was able to be out her parents' sight long enough to get her hands on anything that moved or breathed.  

and so i leave you with a not so recent, though still painful commentary on women in science and science as a career path in general.   

Dear new (obviously very young) female neighbor,

It would be greatly appreciated if you could NOT clomp back and forth along the length of your apartment in your tap shoes, or whatever the heck they are, and throw things at the wall for 20 minutes when you return home at 4:30 am in the morning. While it was equally annoying when you did it Friday night, we were willing to give you benefit of the doubt, seeing as you are young and it was the weekend. However, this is completely unacceptable behavior for a Tuesday night, and will not be tolerated again. Also, your taste in music is absolutely atrocious. So, if you proceed with this behavior, I will be forced to blare bluegrass music (which I sure you have no taste for) at 8am in the morning, when I am sure you have recently entered your first round of deep sleep. As we are next to you and not below you, I'm sure you have tortured poor Andy even more than you have us, and I hope he gives you an ear full.

Sincerely,
your old and crotchety neighbors

This morning

tejas: (Reading off a refrigerator magnet from my mom) "With God all things are Possible." That's not true.

me: what isn't possible, then?

tejas: the non-existence of God.

set for contemplation in 2009

for all the craziness that was 2008, I am hoping for (and needing) 2009 to be a quiet and contemplative year for me. As I have relaxed from all the constant activities that were the months leading up to October 4th, I have had the time to at least dream a bit about the knitting and sewing projects i would like to try and tackle, how i would like to be involved in the church, and the few items i would like to try and grow again this coming spring and summer. I've found some wonderful inspiration for reviving my quilting attempt from years ago now at doggedknits. I've found her use of negative space in the form of solid monochomatic color to really make the work very attractive to me.

Another read that I have been fascinated by for her craft as well as her study of craft, textile, and handwork in general is needled. I do have to say, the latter blog has greatly contributed to my resent unrest and attempts to clarify for myself what I need and want out of my life/career, and what steps I need to take to get there.
The woman is a senior lecturer at a UK university and still finds the time to fully engage in her life through her crafts, and other aspects of reflection and involvement in life that are outside the realm of her career. (I have researched this a bit, and a senior lecture position is basically that of an associate prof. in the states, so she doesn't just have time for a life b/c she's a teaching peon or something.)

This is in stark contrast to the many examples of academes I see around me. They seem to be singularly driven by their profession and find a distinct and focused passion for their field only. I do believe that NewAdvisor is quite singularly driven by career and is excessively happy to spend 70-80 hrs a week in the office and the lab. I myself cringe at the mere thought. In the same vein, I don't see a career out there that I could pursue that would satisfy all my passions in life. I have far too broad a spectrum of interests and am too frenetic (perhaps ADD) a person to focus solely on any single one for too long a span of time. I am still fleshing out what this means for me in terms of a feasible career path, so i'm sure there will be more on this at a later date. I am also not sure if part of my present unrest is a combination of burnout from the previous year of crazy and still trying to finish up work for Andrew (and thereby feeling continually guilty and caught between two advisors vying for my time).

There are also many other things on the books this year for contemplation, not the least of which are where I stand in my theology, how my views of God and the world have changed over the past few years, where that puts me in my relationship with God, and what do I still just plain old don't get or have a hard time believing these days.

I hope to make time for these thoughts, and hikes in the spring and fall with my husband, and growing herbs and flowers behind the parking lot of our apartment, and starting worm composting in our kitchen (more on that later too), and knitting for myself and others, and sewing curtains and dresses and quilts, and co-chairing the outreach committee at church with Randi, and (of course) lots of science in the coming year.

2008 in review (aka, the most jam-packed year of my life to date)

This year has gone by in a total whirl wind of activity:

1) wrote and defended my thesis
2) GRADUATED FINALLY
3) moved twice
4) started my postdoc in a new (read: crap-load of new stuff to learn) field
5) gave in and became a member at Epworth and am now a co-chair of a committee (so much for anti-establishment)
6) GOT MARRIED
7) applied and re-applied for an NIH fellowship (cross your fingers folks; i sure would like to get that thing!)
8) went to India for a week long family meet-and-greet
9) Tejas recently changed directions and is now on the job market in ATL*

*i do realize that i am not directly involved in the activity side of this one, but it still has a pretty big whirl wind effect.

i suppose if i was a good little blogger i'd have pictures to go along with most of these events, but we all know thats not the case. i do still intend to send everyone relevant high-res pics from the photographer at the wedding, but you know it may be summer before that happens.

And to ring in the new year, I am trying desperately to finish a manuscript i still owe to Andrew, and put together a group meeting presentation for monday. yay.

long term goals for 2009 include hitting the campus pool for laps in the am before work, and putting up some homemade drapes in the apartment so it starts to actually resemble a home (rather than a bachelor pad).